And I thought boys were bad...

All the dirt of boys, plus the attitude...

Friday, March 30, 2012

Can It Ever Be Enough?


I just had the most heartbreaking conversation I have ever had with anyone, with my oldest daughter.  I was tucking her in, which seems to be the time of day that these things come up, and she asked me if I thought she would ever be able to meet her biological father.  What the hell kind of question is that for a child to have to ask?  It broke my heart to hear her say that.  To see the pain in her eyes as she asked, because the real questions are buried somewhere underneath.  The real questions are, "Why doesn't he love me?" and "What is wrong with me?"  The real questions are not about him.  The real questions are about her.

I answered the best way I knew how.  "I hope so," I said, "I hope so."  The tears welled up in her eyes as she processed my words.  They weren't enough.  They never will be.  I continued by answering the unspoken questions.  "There is nothing wrong with you.  You are perfect and I am so sorry that he is making you feel this way.  You are my most precious gift and it is his loss to not know you."  Still not enough.  Yes, the tears died down.  The redness in her face went away, but it will never be enough.  My words will never fill the hole that his actions have left.

How dare he hurt this wonderful child?  How dare he leave her feeling empty and broken?  How dare he be so selfish?  This amazing child laid in bed tonight and asked if she could write him a letter.  "Of course," I answered.  "Do you think he will write back?" was the spoken question.  Again, the real question was, "Am I good enough?"  All I could think is "What do I say?  How do I tell this wonderful little girl that he probably will write back and it will probably be beautiful and full of promises that he means with all of his heart when he writes them, but that they will probably never come true?"  How do you tell your daughter that even though there is nothing wrong with her, he will probably never live up to anything he says?  He will definitely never live up to the hopes and wishes that she has.

So I tell her, delicately and softly, that he is broken and that he wants to do good, but that something gets in the way.  That it's something inside him and that there is nothing wrong with her.  "It's not your fault.  You are amazing and special and my miracle."  I can say that forever, but will she ever really believe me?  Will it ever be really true for her.  I can hope and I can keep trying, but will it ever be enough?

She has a wonderful dad.   The best any child could ask for.  I equate her daddy's love and presence with that of my own "step-dad."  A love that was never required, but freely given wholly and completely when someone else refused to fill their obligation.  He is a wonderful man and he will do everything he can to be everything she needs.  I hope it can be enough.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Getting Old...er?

Ok. It's official.  I'm getting old!  Apparently, staying up super late, like til 4am on Saturday night, even with a nap on Sunday, makes Monday morning freaking hard!  Really, I used to be able to stay up 24-48 hours with just energy drinks on my side!  Now, I make it one night til 4am playing poker and I'm screwed for the next week...lol.  Oh, well...I guess that's part of growing up...and being an adult...and being old...lol

Anyway, the kids had a great weekend!  They got to hang out with Mimi, which is the new name for my MIL in Texas.  Girlies went over there after dinner on Saturday so me and Hubby could play cards.  This, mind, you was after CC played and WON her first SOFTBALL GAME!!!!!!!!!!!  Yay!!!  Dad got suckered into coaching for a bit, and did pretty well for never having done it before in his life, and I, being team mom, was busy in the dugout.  Miss A was amazing during the game.  She watched for a while, longer than I thought she would put up with, and then found a friend and went to the playground.

Miss A and CC have been getting along great lately!  It makes me so happy to see them sitting in front of me right now.  They are sharing a chair and taking turns playing on Miss A's DS.  I am really lucky to have my girlies.  I mean, you know, until the next time they start fighting uncontrollably and trying to be sneaky...  =)  I live in the now, though, and right now they are doing fantastically.  Maybe they are getting older, too...


BTW: I just realized that we have a little milestone coming up.  I can't give it away, but you will get to read all about it in about a week.

How are things going for you?  Have you realized that you are not as young as you thought you were? How was your weekend?

Friday, March 23, 2012

Back to Life. Back to Reality

The first week back to school after spring break is always a little harder than other weeks.  Or maybe it just seems that way because no one is ever ready for spring break to actually be over...whatever it is, this week has been full of moments where I wanted to simply say, "F it" and go back to bed.  Actually I did do that on Tuesday...lol.  It wasn't because of any bad mood, nothing had gone wrong at all, it was just that I was still exhausted from SXSW Saturday night.  And with that statement right there, I have come to the realization that I am freaking old!!

Anyway, the girls have had a pretty great week!  CC stayed home sick from school on Wednesday, which was really more about making sure she wasn't sick than anything else.  She woke up to throw up the night before and, though I figured it was just something she ate, we let her stay home.  Uh, yeah...sick kids home during the day are completely different that not sick kids home during the day...lol.


Miss A came home this week with quite a story!  Apparently she was standing in the hallway at school and a couple of girls were arguing.  One of the girls put her hand up to do the whole, "talk to the hand" thing, and the other girl reached out, grabbed her wrist, and BROKE IT!  What was Miss A to do?  Well, of course she went to get a teacher and make sure the girl was alright.  My point here is...WTF?!?!  Really?  F-ing baby-ass little girls...ugh.  So, Miss A is okay.  I made sure she could talk about what happened and she told me how she was feeling at the time and everything.  I assured her that she did the right thing...but, really...ugh.  My poor little 10 year old had to witness one girl breaking another girl's wrist!  I mean at the base of that, though: a girl broke another girl's wrist at school on purpose!! I know crap like this happens, it just always shocks me when my girlies have to be around it.

Good news, though!  CC had her reading assessment this week and she skipped the next level and went strait to the one above it!  I am so freaking proud of her!  Seriously, between Miss A's strait A's and CC's amazing reports from school I could just burst!  My girlies are awesome!!  Seriously, I lucked out in the kiddo genes there...TWICE!   =)

Did you have spring break yet?  If so, what was it like to get back to life?  If not, are you planning anything fun?

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Special Guest Post: Optimism in Tough Times

Good morning!  Today we have a special guest post by a wonderful woman I have only begun to get to know.  I hope to get to know her much better in the future.  She has an amazing story for you.  Enjoy, and don't be afraid to be inspired!

Heather Von St James is a mesothelioma survivor and a guest blogger for the Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance. Her story is one of hope and inspiration and she hopes to spread her message to anyone who may be going through similar situations to her own.
Check out Heather’s story on the Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance Blog.
Optimism in Tough Times

The dictionary says that an optimist is a person who looks on the favorable side of things, or a person who is hopeful and confident. However, my friends like to joke that my picture should be beside the word optimist in the dictionary! In a way, it's true. I have always been a cheerful, positive person, and can usually make others smile in tough situations.

At the age of 36, my optimism was tested in a way that I never expected. That year started off wonderfully with the birth of my first and only child, a beautiful baby girl. Just 3 1/2 months later, I heard the words I never thought I would hear: "You have cancer." When you are faced with life's toughest challenges, you have an important decision to make. You can become bitter, angry and depressed, or you can get up, brush yourself off and get ready to fight. I was determined not to lose my positive attitude, and decided to fight this disease with everything that I had.

I was diagnosed with malignant pleural mesothelioma. I was blessed to find one of the world's leading mesothelioma doctors to treat me. I had full confidence in my physician, and agreed to schedule my lung removal surgery for Groundhog's Day in 2006. My family and I decided to call Groundhog's Day Lungleavin Day instead, to remember the day of my successful surgery. To complete the nicknames, we affectionately referred to my tumor as Punxsutawney Phil. As a cancer survivor, it is important to remember your journey. Each year, I still celebrate Lungleavin Day with those who are closest to me. It is a special time to reflect on our blessings and the lessons learned through my battle with cancer.

At times, cancer has been both my best friend and my worst enemy. However, I can honestly say that I would not change one thing about my life, including my cancer diagnosis. It was through this disease that I found out that I could be strong, even in the face of overwhelming obstacles. I am proud of the way that I journeyed through cancer, and I am thankful to say that I am still able to look on the bright side of life.

Many people that I had the privilege to meet during my cancer journey have now become my lifelong friends. We are forever bonded because of our common journey, and we are now united in our desire to help others. We are young and old, male and female, rich and poor, but our hearts have been knit together thanks to our cancer battles. I want to spend the rest of my life giving hope to others who are dealing with cancer.



Thank you, Heather, for sharing your story with us.  If you have questions or comments for Heather she will be checking for comments and replying.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Busy End To A Busy Week

Well, well, well...It's Monday again....I would be lying if I said I was ready for spring break to be over.  We had a pretty busy weekend and I am practically falling asleep as I type this.

So, Friday was CC's sleepover.  It went alright for the most part.  Miss A was a great big sister and either helped or stayed out of whatever the little girls were doing.  It was awesome and I am super proud of her. Dad got tired of having another kid in the house so he left for a while.  Who can blame him?  lol  I am so NOT the sleepover parent.  I try to be.  The kids have fun while they are here, but it is so stressful and, well, loud...Don't get me wrong, I my kids make noise.  They are FAR from silent, but other kids make other noises.  They have a different pitch and volume than I am used to.  Don't judge me.

Saturday was softball practice.  CC got some great hits!  Miss A was awfully tired of hanging out with two little girls at that point, so she took off with Dad for a while.  After practice we all came home and hung out.  Dad went shooting with some friends so the girlies and I got a present for a birthday party and then hung out at the house.

Saturday evening, I took off to a friend's house for a St. Patrick's day party.  Her and her band were playing and it was pretty awesome!  But, this is Texas and there are large bugs.  Large bugs tend to come out when it gets dark and I was outside.  So, off I went, back to the safety of my home, away from all the flying assault ninjas.  (This might get unmanageable at some point,  but right now I am okay with it....)  When I got home I found the Hubby in the process of making plans for us to head out to SXSW!  NICE!

We ended up seeing Dev and Timbaland...ready?...FOR FREE!!!!!!!  No sh*t.  I wouldn't lie to you.  It was awesome!  50 ft off the stage, on the floor, loving every minute of it!  Got home at around 4:30am and it was so freaking worth it!

Sunday was one of CC's friend's birthday party.  Soooo cute!!  I don't know if you know what a Snip Its is, but they throw the best birthday parties for little girls!  Make-up, nails, hair dos, crafts...really, best ever.

Anyway, like I said...busy end to a busy spring break...Man!  I am so tired!  Well, off to school for the girlies and me...maybe I can catch a nap after...

How was your weekend?


***BTW: SPECIAL GUEST POST COMING ON WEDNESDAY!!***

Friday, March 16, 2012

Spring Break Is Here!

It's that time again...the time where the kids are home from school for an extended period of time.  Now, in the past I haven't been too excited about this prospect.  Living in a 700 square foot apartment and dealing with long breaks without much money or a vehicle to go places will do that to even the most loving mother.  I'm still trying overcome those past experiences since we are now in a much bigger house with a park down the street that I don't have to stress off my kids going to.  It also helps to live in an area where we still have cheap things to do.

It also helps that my kids have good friends with parents that I trust.  See, the hubby works from home so when they are here they have to keep pretty quiet.  I don't know about you, but when I was little, being quiet during breaks from school was not at the top of my list.

This week we had planned to go see a couple movies at the dollar theater, Alvin and The Chipminks: Chipwrecked and We Bought A Zoo.  We ended up seeing Chipwrecked on Tuesday.  It was cute!  I love the pop-culture references!  As for We Bought A Zoo, didn't happen.  It wasn't a lack of trying.  We got down to the theater on Thursday and were informed that there were only 17 seats left and that it was very likely the seats were scattered around the theater, rather than together.  We ended up hitting the Redbox and getting Mr. Popper's Penguins to watch at home!  Very cute!  We also have a great little park down the street that the kids like to run off to.  I'm all for the daily dose of the Sunshine Vitamins(I think that's Vitamin D). 

Wednesday, though.  That was fun!  We went on a little photo adventure!  See, on my way to school and back I pass these 2 really old houses, kinda.  Well, they may have been houses or sheds or something else entirely.  They are literally falling apart and I think they are cool.  I have been wanting to take pictures of them since I first saw them!   I ended up looking up who the owners are because I do NOT want to trespass.  So, I went through the proper channels and got actual permission!  Yay me!










 Then we headed out to a cool spot I had passed a few times since we have been here.  It's really cool and as it turns out, it's a park!



Today we are getting back to life.  Grocery shopping and normal stuff.  CC has a friend spending the night so that should be fun.  =)


Monday, March 12, 2012

My Success Over Myself

Hey there!  So, ever since my Fail post, I have been thinking about how I can accomplish my goal of losing weight and getting healthier.

A few weeks ago, after coffee with a friend, I decided that I just needed to do it.  She brought up this book that she had been reading.  I don't remember the name of it, but it was about deciding what you want to do or what you want out of life and then acting as if you have no choice but to attain that goal.

I thought about this for a little bit and realized that I have done that before with other things.  My drug and alcohol use, for example, was exactly that.  I had no choice.  I couldn't drink or use drugs anymore.  I just needed to stop or I was going to die.  I needed to get that same mentality around getting healthy.

Here are the decisions I made:
  • No ice cream
  • 30 counter push ups daily
  • 30 squats daily
  • Eat breakfast EVERY morning
  • Drink more water and less soda
  • Weigh myself once a week
 I made these decisions about 3.5 weeks ago.  In that time, I have had ice cream 3 times, missed 4 days of exercise, eaten breakfast every morning, and only weighed myself 4 times.

See, for me, I can get really sick when it comes to losing weight.  In the past I have weighed myself at least daily, starved myself, used substances to enhance my weight loss, made myself throw up(once or twice, I don't really like to throw up), and exercised to burn much much more than I ate in calories that day.  NONE of those things are healthy.

I usually can't do any of those things for long(mostly because I know they are unhealthy) and then I feel like a failure and binge eat to hide those feelings.  It really has been a sick freaking cycle for me.  Especially because I have the education to know what I have been doing to my body.  I know the ins and outs of my past actions and I continued to do it anyway.

Over the past two years, I have not done those things as often as I did before(especially as a teenager), but any amount is not good.  And I can honestly say that I have not participated in those behaviors for over a year.

This time, I want to do it right.  I want to do it healthy.  I want to set realistic goals for myself and not falter a lot.  I want to treat myself right because I deserve it.

Yes, I have missed days of exercising.  Yes, I have eaten ice cream(my Achilles Heel).  Yes, there have been days where I totally ignored the water in the fridge.  Oh. Freaking. Well.  lol

I am not perfect and that's ok.  I am human and I make mistakes.  The important part is to pick myself back up and try again.

Oh, and this new healthy thought process that I have taken has allowed me, even through the mistakes, to lose 7lbs in the last 3.5 weeks.  =)

Friday, March 9, 2012

Loving Having My Car Back

Hey all!  It's good to be back.  I really needed that mini-break from writing.  The last week before Spring Break is always exhausting, even if I am not doing anything extra.  It's like a long ass Friday afternoon before a long weekend...lol

Anyway, I wanted to tell you all how exciting it has been to be driving my car again this week, but I realized that I never told you what happened in the first place!

While my mom was here visiting in December, I got into an accident.  Let me just say that even though the insurance company said it was my fault, it totally wasn't!  Here's what happened:

I was coming out of a driveway onto a through road(yes, that's why it was my fault) and this b**** came out of no where and hit me!  I swear I looked like 3 times!  This driveway area is freaking insane.  You have cars coming from at least 5 different ways, so yes, looking a minimum of 3 times is totally required.

Anyway, I looked and looked and looked again and no one was coming except for a person turning right into the driveway next to me(where I was turning left out of).  See, the lane that the driver was turning right from ends there at the driveway.  There is another lane on the other side of that one that goes through, but no one was in that one.

So, I was coming out of the driveway after having looked and looked(you get the picture) and as I was about halfway through my turn, she came, I can only assume, from behind the car that was turning in the right turn only lane and swerved around him and hit me!  WTF?!?!





F-ed up, right?  Wait.  It gets worse.  She had NO INSURANCE, was admittedly "in a hurry on the way out of town" and had her lab puppy UNRESTRAINED in the front seat!!
 

Yeah, so I was f-ed.  No insurance and THEN it was deemed to be MY fault...ugh.  So since then, well shortly after my mom went back to CA, we have had a rental car.  Yes, for 2.5 months!  No, we are NOT rich...this has been a HUGE strain on our family, but the way we had the rental made it so that we were able to do that but not get the car fixed yet.



While we have had the rental, we have been accumulating parts and the guys tried to put it together, but that didn't work out too well.  The frame had been tweaked a bit(like an inch or two)  so nothing fit back on right.  FINALLY, last Friday I spent the day at a body shop while a friend of a family member fixed my car.  




Yeah, it looks a little ghetto right now...oh freaking WELL!  lol  I have my awesome car back and we will get it painted soon.  The important part is that the freaking rental is out of my life and I get to drive my baby every day again.  =)

Friday, March 2, 2012

Nasty Bathrooms

It's Friday again and, quite honestly, I have no idea what to write about.  I have no more of my past that I really feel like sharing right now.  Not because my life hasn't been interesting, but because I just can't find the motivation to type any of it out.  That being said, Flashback Fridays are on hold for a while.


Right now, what is on my mind is the morning I just had with my girls.  See, they were getting ready for school and Miss A comes downstairs to let me know that their bathroom sink is clogged...ugh.  My immediate thought is, "of course it is!  You girls are gross and don't clean up after yourselves."  What I said is, "ok...let me take a look."  So I head upstairs to see and find their bathroom to be a MESS.  Yes, MESS.  Capital M E S S!!  Towels on the floor, garbage overflowing, sink clogged, all kinds of crap all over the counters...O.M.G.


So, I check the sink and find that I need to go buy some unclogging crap.  Yay...  Then, though, I call the girls in and show them just how gross the bathroom is and direct them to clean it up.  As I am showing them how gross it is, I pick up a towel...OMG it stinks!  I have both girls smell it and then take it down to be washed.  They ended up cleaning out the bathroom(including the garbage can that stank like nothing i have ever smelled before) and then headed out to school.  Obviously not before I informed them that I will be more on top of their cleaning the bathroom and that it will happen once a week without fail from now on.


That's really what this comes down to...I haven't been on top of it.  I gave them their own bathroom and took it for granted that they would know how to keep it clean.  Yes, I go in and do deep cleaning about once a month, but I figured they knew how to keep it tidy.  I have told them to empty the trash in there, but never checked if it got done.  Just trusted that they had done it.


Now, we have all learned something.  They learned that mom has a reason for saying, "clean the bathroom" and I learned that I need to be more aware of whether or not it actually gets done.